Letting it go: My struggle with depression

I don't want to blog today or make Challah with Abby or work on Shabbat dinner. I didn't even want to get out of bed this morning. The only thing that got me out of bed this morning was my love for my family and their love for me. I am waging a war not the kind of war we see on the news with guns and other weapons but one that consists of me fighting little battles each day like getting out of bed and playing with my daughter. 

My little girl like just about every kid in America is obsessed with the movie Frozen. We have listened to the song Let It Go about a million or so times.  Every time to strikes a cord with me. 

"Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know

Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can’t hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care

What they’re going to say

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway" ~ Let It Go Lyrics by Idina Menzel

I have been battling depression since I was 14 and I have always tried to hide it. Afraid of what people may think. Depression runs deep in my family something I have always known but found no comfort in. There is not always comfort in numbers. My Great Grandfather's suicide along with the suicide of all but one of my Grandmother's sisters is no secret in our family and something that haunts and frightens me. Until recently I had not sought out help for my depression afraid if I admitted it said it out loud that I struggle with a mental illness my world would fall apart. It hasn't and I am actually doing a lot better but there are days like today that I still struggle. It took a long time for me to understand that I more then likely have a chemical imbalance brain and it is not something I can control or snap myself out of. 

I am sharing this today because I am tired of hiding and someone out there may read this that is struggling like me and many many others and realize they are not alone. That it's okay to acknowledge their depression or any mental health struggle and ask for help. If your reading this and your struggling it's okay let it go.